grace

Tonight I had a moment with God where I realised a lot of hurt I've been storing up that I've never acknowledged; in fact I've been convincing myself for years that this area is something I have no issue with at all, and in fact instead of finding it difficult, it's the easiest thing in the world. Funny how we can cover things up like that. So deeply that we surprise ourselves when they come to the surface.

I always found it hard to understand how God chose me, when in my mind it was my decision to follow Jesus. It got me thinking about how I view my relationship with God - like He was offering me something, and I decided to accept it... and I realised I have always thought I had to pay Him back. Filled with guilt every time I felt the greatness of His infinite love for us, for me, because I felt like I didn't love Him the same way back. And one day He'd see my selfishness and turn His back on me.

The truth is, there is nothing we can ever do to pay Him back.

I will never love Him as much as He deserves.

But He knew that before I was born, before He made me, before Jesus died on the cross to save me.

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I always knew that grace was a gift, something we didn't deserve, but I don't think I ever felt the real impact of that until today. That it means more than just when I make a mistake and regret it, I can still receive forgiveness, but that it actually completely defines what kind of a relationship we have with God. 

There's no hiding, pretending, putting on a show... He knows everything, He knows how little we can do, but He loves us the same.

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If the Lord had not been my help,

my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.

When I thought, "My foot slips,"

your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.

When the cares of my heart are many,

your consolations cheer my soul.

Psalm 94: 17-19